PSYCHOLOGIST, AUTHOR AND RELATIONSHIP EXPERT
Dr. Craig Malkin
Welcome friends and fans. Thank you for following my work and sharing your feedback. I deeply appreciate the thoughtfulness and gratitude so many of you have conveyed in your comments and messages. I’ve been moved not only by the pain and power of your stories, but the courage you’ve shown in sharing them. I wish I could reply to each of you, at length, but due to the volume of correspondence I receive, I’m no longer able to. But please know that I read all your questions and comments and often address the issues they raise in my articles. One other disclaimer: HIPPA law restricts psychologists from providing therapeutic advice or conducting sensitive conversations through social media or email. I apologize for any inconvenience this might cause. If you’d like to set up a confidential face-to-face, skype, or phone consultation, please call my office: 617-491-1660. You can find fees here. I‘m grateful your interest and support! - Craig Malkin.
HOW DO I PREVENT NARCISSISM IN KIDS?
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
This video is from a live speaking event at the Belmont Library in MA, where I share what Authoritative Parenting is and how to avoid narcissism with children. If this subject interests you, you can buy my book, Rethinking Narcissism here!
THIS IS THE WAY TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS FROM PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSISM
Monday, April 02, 2018
THE LINK BETWEEN NARCISSISM AND DRUG ADDICTION
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Here's the sixth in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book "Rethinking Narcissism", with updated material and resources was just released on July 5th, so if this subject interests you, you can buy the book here!
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Here's the fifth in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism, with updated material and resources was just released on July 5th, so if this subject interests you, you can buy the book here!
Narcissism In Relationships
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Here's the fourth in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism, with updated material and resources, was just released on July 5th, so if this subject interests you, subscribe below to receive updates!
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Wednesday, July 06, 2016
We've kicked off! As of yesterday, now everywhere books are sold--in stores and online--you can get your copy of Rethinking Narcissism in paperback! I want to thank you - my family, friends, colleagues, readers and community for getting the book launch off to an awesome start.
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Here's the third in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism, with updated material and resources, is out on July 5th, so if this subject interests you subscribe below to receive updates as we countdown to the release!
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
As you may be aware this is the final month for mental health professionals to obtain their licensing hours through continuing education credits. Upon completion of the CE test based on my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism you’ll learn how to:
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Here's the second in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism is out on July 5th, so if this subject interests you subscribe below to receive updates as we countdown to the release!
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Thursday, June 09, 2016
I'm excited to release the first in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism is out on July 5th, so if this subject interests you subscribe below to receive updates as we countdown to the release!
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Monday, February 01, 2016
There’s a long standing belief, reinforced by books like The Narcissism Epidemic, that narcissists actually feel great about themselves, despite everyone’s suspicion—dating back to age old wisdom about schoolyard bullies—that no one who has to push people down to feel bigger than everyone else on the planet could possibly possess anything even approaching healthy self-regard.
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Friday, December 11, 2015
People often ask me what’s new about Rethinking Narcissism.And the answer is—well, quite a lot: a new definition of narcissism (that explains why there are so many “types” of narcissists), the real reason millenials got such a bad rap, the secret to dealing with narcissistic coworkers, friends, and loved ones—the list goes on. But one of the ideas that resonates most for people who read my work is the concept of echoism—and how it draws us, unwittingly, into relationships with extremely narcissistic friends and partners.
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
Saturday, November 28, 2015
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Saturday, October 31, 2015
I'm so excited to have this opportunity to officially announce the launch of my brand new podcast I’m hosting called, The Dr. Craig Malkin Show, and to celebrate the launch I have a very special event planned for you that I think you're going to love, where I’ll be giving away 5 copies of my book, plus you could win a personal consultation with me, valued at $400!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
Thursday, October 08, 2015
Most of us want to raise caring and self-confident children, but does telling your children they're special too often and pouring on the praise mean you'll raise a narcissistic brat?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Thursday, October 01, 2015
At a recent book signing I responded to an excellent question, "What's The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion?"
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Thursday, September 17, 2015
It's extraordinarily helpful for me to draw on personal experience in my work with clients. It adds a depth of emotion and understanding that's hard to reach when I don't bring some of myself into the room. That's one of the reasons I openly talk about my relationship with my mother inside my book Rethinking Narcissism. She introduced me to the topic in the most immediate and vital way possible. And I couldn't have imagined introducing you, the reader, to narcissism, without describing the very struggles that brought me to the topic in the first place. I thought I'd share some of the background from the introduction of my book. I'd love to hear from you in the comments if you've had anyone in your life you've suspected of being a narcissist, and want to share how that's affected you.
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
Thursday, September 03, 2015
The Oprah Winfrey Network interviewed me recently for their OWN Show, which I have to admit was an amazing experience. I sat down in their studio and answered a series of questions, 12 of which are in today's post below. I wanted to share these with you because when a spouse, partner or family member is showing narcissistic characteristics they can often go unrecognized and many times you could end up thinking there is something wrong with you. I hope this guidance and advice helps you on your journey through Rethinking Narcissism.
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Here in America, we're a little over a year away from casting our votes for the next President of the United States. Campaigns are underway to help convince the public who they should vote for. Which potential leaders and their actions deserve your praise? My recent article on the Huffington post (that's currently had almost 5,000 likes/shares) indicates that we all want to make smart, informed decisions about the answer to that question.
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Thursday, August 20, 2015
I was delighted to be interviewed recently on "Passion" with Laurie Betito on my new book, Rethinking Narcissism. In this interview we talk relationships, social media and living with Narcissism - listen to the audio or read the transcript! I'd love to read your comments!
Not All Narcissists Are Equal
Thursday, August 13, 2015
You saw it here first, extroverted and introverted narcissism, and a recent article inside NYMag.com highlights not just my thoughts on the matter, but what the research is telling us... "It's just a mess with all these different terms. At the common core, these are people who are addicted to feeling special. It's just that there are a lot of ways to do it."
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Not Your Average Mom recently wrote a popular post urging parents to tell her when her kids are “assholes”—especially when they’re bullies.And I couldn’t agree more. But I’m not sure most of us have trouble doing that.
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Last week, I was interviewed by The Telegraph about Rachel Dolezal. I’ll repeat here what I said then: No one creates a false self, narcissistic or otherwise, if they feel securely loved.
Can Abuse be Invisible?
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Recently, I was interviewed by Elle magazine for a piece on emotional abuse—an important and all too often neglected topic. One reason it’s so often overlooked is that there are no laws against name calling, putdowns, and mind games, though there should be. Broken legs mend far more easily than broken selves. But the fact that legislation ignores the danger of emotional abuse seems to mirror the way our society, in general, appears to look the other way.
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
Thursday, May 21, 2015
Is social media use good or bad for us?Research is mixed when it comes to answering that question, with some studies claiming that social networking can expand and enhance our relationships and others coming to more troubling conclusions.
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Friday, May 01, 2015
Recently, my colleagues, Shannon Kolakowski, PsyD, Heidi Reeder, PhD, and Ben Michaelis, PhD, and I were interviewed for Forbes, in an article called Recovering Resilience: 7 Methods For Becoming Mentally Stronger. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart, but it’s also one that’s happily become central to discussions of mental health and wellbeing.
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Friday, January 07, 2011
from my article on Psychology Today's Blog (Read the original Psychology Today article here)
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
THIS IS THE WAY TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS FROM PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSISM
Monday, April 02, 2018
So many people write in with questions about how they can protect their children from parents or relatives with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or other personality disorders.
They're terrified, with good reason, that even if their ex or other relative isn't physically abusive, their self-involved behaviors, lying, and manipulation will hurt their children emotionally.
The good news is that you have far more power to protect your children than you may realize.
We already know from research what drives pathological narcissism--and we know even more about what protects children emotionally from traumatic experiences we may not be able to prevent--and for many of us, that means mitigating the damage our children may suffer at the hands of a partner we ourselves left precisely because of their abusive or neglectful nature.
In this video I describe:
The one approach guaranteed to protect your children emotionally no matter what adversity or emotional--and even physical-- danger they face
The type of parenting mostly likely to promote that approach
The strategy you need to prevent yourself from becoming more narcissistic if you're the child of a narcissistic parent.
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
THIS IS THE WAY TO PROTECT YOUR KIDS FROM PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSISM
Monday, April 02, 2018
So many people write in with questions about how they can protect their children from parents or relatives with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) or other personality disorders.
They're terrified, with good reason, that even if their ex or other relative isn't physically abusive, their self-involved behaviors, lying, and manipulation will hurt their children emotionally.
The good news is that you have far more power to protect your children than you may realize.
We already know from research what drives pathological narcissism--and we know even more about what protects children emotionally from traumatic experiences we may not be able to prevent--and for many of us, that means mitigating the damage our children may suffer at the hands of a partner we ourselves left precisely because of their abusive or neglectful nature.
In this video I describe:
The one approach guaranteed to protect your children emotionally no matter what adversity or emotional--and even physical-- danger they face
The type of parenting mostly likely to promote that approach
The strategy you need to prevent yourself from becoming more narcissistic if you're the child of a narcissistic parent.
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
Tuesday, July 26, 2016
Here's the sixth in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book "Rethinking Narcissism", with updated material and resources was just released on July 5th, so if this subject interests you, you can buy the book here!The question is, is there any connection between narcissism and substance abuse and the answer is yes. There's plenty of research that shows that people who have, say, narcissistic personality disorder, extreme narcissism of any kind-- there are different kinds, but I can't get into here because we don't have time--that they are more likely to turn to substances. Again, it makes perfect sense. If you do not trust that you can depend on people for love, for caring, connection, you're going to have to soothe yourself some other way. You can soothe yourself with narcissism, you can soothe yourself with a drug addiction. You can soothe yourself through gambling. These things don't require people. Remember, the problem is if you don't trust people and you're not going to turn to them, you're going to turn to things that you can control.""We can control our looks to some extent, people can become really practiced at it in fact. Extremely narcissistic people often are capable when they are very outgoing narcissists like the ones we think of earlier that I asked you to conjure up, those are the ones we think of but they are acquired introverted narcissists. Extremely outgoing narcissists are often capable of something called effective adornment, where they're able to put themselves together and make themselves look absolutely fantastic, but if you don't give them the opportunity to do that, they are about as good looking as the average person. These are things that we can control. Money, looks, whether we spend say, shopping, our presentation of ourselves as having a deeper sense of emotional pain than anybody else--yes, that can be a kind of narcissism. The one thing that we can't control is whether or not we can depend on people--and that's what extremely narcissistic people do not trust."
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Wednesday, July 20, 2016
Here's the fifth in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book "Rethinking Narcissism", with updated material and resources was just released on July 5th, so if this subject interests you, you can buy the book here!"The first and major rethink I had to do, which is really the first 3 quarters of Rethinking Narcissism..is about how we understand what's bad about narcissism. Most of us when we think about the word narcissism or narcissist, what we picture are vain, preening, primping, boastful braggarts, reality TV types, Donald Trump gets thrown around a lot. That is what comes to mind. The problem with that image, which is really a stereotype about bad narcissism, is that a lot of narcissists could care less about looks or fame or money and some can be extremely quiet. If that's what you are looking for, that particular image, you're going to miss all kinds of signs of trouble in a relationship that have absolutely nothing to do with those things.""The other major rethink that I had to do was about healthy narcissism. There is, in fact, such a thing as healthy narcissism. Over a quarter century of research shows cross-culturally that the vast majority of people around the world feel a little bit special. They see themselves through slightly rose colored glasses. To quote one researcher, "they feel exceptional or unique". When we look at the research, we're asked how we compare to others in terms of what’s intelligence, things like that, we tend to think that we are more attractive, more compassionate. We even think we are more human than the average person. When people feel that way, they feel more resilient, according to research, they feel more optimistic, they feel more able in our research to give and receive in relationships than people who don't have those rose colored glasses. That's healthy narcissism.""What this perspective does for us, is it helps us understand not just one type of narcissism but all of them, and I'll get to that in a second. What's the difference between healthy and unhealthy narcissism?Think instead of narcissism as this obnoxious personality trait like the images that I conjured for you, think of narcissism as a pervasive universal human tendency, the drive to feel special, that we all long in some way to stand out from the rest of the 7 billion people on the planet. Even privately, we certainly long to feel special to someone we love, for them to view us as special, as different from the crowd, that's a part of healthy narcissism.""Unhealthy narcissism is when people become addicted to feeling special. Think of it like a substance abuse problem. When people, instead of turning to love and relationships, instead of opening up to somebody close to them and saying, "I'm scared, I'm sad, I'm lonely," and trusting that they can depend on them, they depend on these different ways of feeling special. That's when they become addicted to the experience. Now it all comes together because there are lots of ways to feel special. You can feel special by being the most misunderstood person in the room, having the deepest emotional pain.""There's a newly studied form of narcissism called communal narcissism. These are people who honestly agree with statements: one day I will be known by the world for the good deeds I have done. These people don't care about money. This is something else. There are all kinds of ways to feel special and that's how we can understand all these different varieties of narcissism and really the core that underlies it is this inability to depend on other people when they feel vulnerable, this fear that causes them to soothe themselves with the experience of feeling special.""As soon as you start looking at it this way, like a habit that becomes addictive, other things become clear. I wanted to give people in the book very simple, straightforward strategies, templates and I even provided clear templates so they can have answers to questions like, if I think my partner is narcissistic, should I stay or should I go? How do I figure that out? Instead of trying to struggle with that for weeks, months, years, to give people just a short period of time to figure that out with some strategies. What do you do if you've got a narcissistic colleague? How do you make sure you raise a child who is not extremely narcissistic? So I have these concrete strategies throughout.""The other thing that becomes clear as soon as you start viewing this way is the problem when people lack healthy narcissism. That's a problem. We already know from the research that people who don't have those rose colored glasses view themselves and the world in a slightly dimmer light. Sometimes they're more anxious, sometimes they're more depressed. In my research with my colleagues, I dubbed this problem echoism. Echo was the nymph who was cursed to repeat back only the last few words she heard. Where Narcissus fell in love with his reflection, Echo fell in love with Narcissus. Like Echo, people who struggle with echoism struggle to have a voice of their own. They're afraid of seeming narcissistic in any way. They're afraid of being a burden. They berate themselves for being too needy. They blame themselves for problems that go wrong in relationships. In the mild range of echoism what we found is these are people who can be deeply empathic. They prefer to focus on others as opposed to themselves. The danger here is in lacking those rose colored glasses, in shifting away from themselves to other people rather reflexively, echoists also tend to fall into relationships with extremely narcissistic partners and friends.""I'm a recovered echoist. Most people who have been raised by extremely narcissistic parents are vulnerable to this. I learned to echo my mother's narcissism. The other thing I wanted to do was empower people who struggle in this way. There were no words for this.Just a quick story: there was a study done one of the researchers who takes apart healthy and unhealthy narcissism put this grid together where in one grid somebody was high in healthy narcissism with rose colored glasses, low in extreme narcissism, in another grid they were high and both. Then there was this one group where people were low in extreme narcissism and low in healthy narcissism and it was empty. That's not a thing somehow. We wanted to fill it, and that's how I developed the narcissism spectrum scale which unlike most spectrums that move from degrees of awfulness up, it starts at zero with a lack of healthy narcissism and in the center we have healthy and then at the far end is where you find people who are addicted to feeling special in various ways: people with narcissistic personality disorder.
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Narcissism In Relationships
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Here's the fourth in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism, with updated material and resources, was just released on July 5th, so if this subject interests you, subscribe below to receive updates!"I wanted to provide what empowered people like myself, to give them simple tools to find out what they can do in a relationship with someone who is extremely narcissistic. I've integrated the research on couples therapy and relationship change and change in narcissism... to come up with what I call empathy prompts. Empathy prompts are simply a 2 stage process where you affirm the relationship with the person that you are with and then you state your most vulnerable feelings and I'll give you an example but first I have to give you some stop signs. What are the stop signs?""With any of the strategies in this book, when you are talking about seeing if there is hope in a relationship you have to be aware of danger. The 3 stop signs I coined in Rethinking Narcissism are first, emotional and physical abuse. It doesn't matter if emotional and physical abuse are caused by alcoholism or gambling addictions or narcissism. If the person is abusing, they are the ones who need to stop the behavior first; that's in their hands. If they are not getting help with that, you need help figuring out how to leave the relationship and how to get the best of what you can. Same with denial, anybody who is in denial of their problems, always in denial, they are not going to change. That means you need to get help figuring out what the next steps are, maybe leaving.""Psychopathy is a pattern of remorseless lies and manipulation. If you catch them in an affair or you catch them in other deceits without flinching-- they just lie to you--that can be a sign of psychopathy and it's a notoriously bad indicator when it comes to people who are extremely narcissistic. I have very little hope for relationships like that. If you don't see those stop signs you might try empathy prompts. If I was aware of this at the time, I might have tried an empathy prompt with my mother along the lines of, "Mom, I love you, I care about you so much. You are so important to me and I just feel so alone and overwhelmed in this task of taking of care of your move after dad is gone, I just feel completely alone and I so need you to be a part of it.""That is an empathy prompt. First you are telling the person they are important to you and then you are speaking, really you're hurt from a very vulnerable place. People who are capable of empathy at all melt when they hear empathy prompts and it speaks volumes about them if they don't. This is just one example. I give many strategies in the book. This is how I found my voice. Really my recommendation is if you don't see those stop signs and you're trying to figure this out in your relationship, give it a couple of weeks, 3 weeks and if you see no softening at all, the person can't apologize or they can't say, I'm sorry, I understand that that would hurt you, that's when you move to, again, I need to get help thinking about`what my next steps are. Maybe its leaving.""Just to cap off, the rethink here is, narcissism is in all of us, it's a pervasive universal human drive, what drives people to become disordered, narcissistic personality disorder--extremely narcissistic-- is that incapacity to depend on others when they feel vulnerable and instead they turn to feeling special like a drug to soothe themselves."
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Wednesday, July 06, 2016
We've kicked off! As of yesterday, now everywhere books are sold--in stores and online--you can get your copy of Rethinking Narcissism in paperback! I want to thank you - my family, friends, colleagues, readers and community for getting the book launch off to an awesome start.
THE 'REAL NARCISSISTS' ONLINE EVENT
For some time now, I've been thinking about how I could give something back, to thank you for all your support for my book, Rethinking Narcissism, so I'd like to invite you to join me this week for a free event I'm hosting online called "Real Narcissists."Living with narcissism can be incredibly grueling and even frightening, whether you're in love with someone who's a narcissist, or just dealing with a boss, coworker, friend or family member. Even if you believe yourself to be a narcissist and it's affecting you or the people around you, there are coping strategies and techniques you can use to help in these situations.To celebrate the launch of Rethinking Narcissism in paperback, I'll be responding to your 'real life' questions and dilemmas (those submitted throughout the event on the build up to the book release) to help you with how narcissism could be impacting your life.Maybe you feel you're a narcissist and don't know what to do, or people tell you you're a narcissist and you don't know why. Perhaps someone close to you is a narcissist and you want to ask how best to handle them in your unique circumstances, or you're recovering from an experience with a narcissist. Whatever your question is, I'll be going through them and answering them in 3 categories.Relationships
How narcissism is affecting your life with your husband, wife or partner.Careers
How narcissism is affecting your life at work with an employer or coworker.Parenting
How narcissism is affecting your life with your children or parent.I'll be releasing the answers on video on the 8th of July, with a 'live' Q & A to be held on Facebook Live Stream on the 11th at 12 noon Eastern Time here in Boston, so be sure to check your time zone. I'd love for you to join me online for what I hope to be a richly informative and healing live stream video for the entire community.How to participate.1 - To receive notification when the Q & A video is available, head over to the event now on this link:
http://DrCraigMalkin.com/RealNarcissists
And click “Going” on the right. You’ll then be the first to know when the video is published on the 8th.2 - Join me on Facebook for a ‘live stream’ chat on July 11th, where we can get together and I can continue this discussion on narcissists with you at 12 noon Eastern Time. Log into Facebook and go to https://www.facebook.com/drcraigmalkin and I’ll see you there!
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
Tuesday, June 28, 2016
Here's the third in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism, with updated material and resources, is out on July 5th, so if this subject interests you subscribe below to receive updates as we countdown to the release!"As a couple's therapist, what we want to do is we want to spot that and we want to say stop, wait, what's going on? Right now you're talking about her job and her job search and how she might be overreaching. Is there something coming up for you? What's it like for you emotionally right now at this conversation? I can imagine this might be a difficult time for you. What's happening in your own life? Can you help me out here? Tell me what's going on for you inside.""You're constantly guiding the person back to their own personal experience. That is the work; that is the work of change. If somebody who is narcissistic can do that, essentially what you're doing is you're teaching them to be securely attached, to the extent that they can securely attach to a partner, they don't need to turn to feeling special anymore because what secure attachment is about is about feeling special to someone, not special for them. Where I know I can turn to my husband. I know I can turn to my wife and I can tell her I'm feeling really overwhelmed right now, I don't really know what I'm going to do next. That's really a scary place for me to be, instead of: are you sure that's the right job for you? That's the switch you want to make."
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
As you may be aware this is the final month for mental health professionals to obtain their licensing hours through continuing education credits. Upon completion of the CE test based on my internationally acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism you’ll learn how to:
Communicate to clients and / or students a more complete understanding of narcissism and be able to clarify the connection between healthy and unhealthy narcissism.
Administer an empirically-derived test, which encompasses both healthy narcissism and subtler forms of unhealthy narcissism.
Communicate to clients and / or students about echoism, or lack of healthy narcissism, what it is and how to cope with it.
Employ a two-part attachment-based approach to reduce narcissistic behaviors.
Help clients recognize and cope with unhealthy narcissism in the workplace, in children, and in social media, using strategies drawn from the latest research.
Use evidence-based strategies to: help clients cope with narcissistic love ones; recognize dangerous narcissism sooner; and leave when necessary.
Right now you can take the course for 20% off with the discount code MALKINCE
“As practical as it is wise, Rethinking Narcissism doesn’t just help people avoid the temptations and dangers of extreme narcissism—and narcissists—in both the real world and cyberspace; it helps everyone, including people who don’t feel special enough, find their voices and live more passionate, fulfilling lives.”
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
Wednesday, June 15, 2016
Here's the second in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism is out on July 5th, so if this subject interests you subscribe below to receive updates as we countdown to the release!"The question was about neuroimaging and, do we see differences in the brain? We see clear differences in the brain of psychopaths. It's less clear when it comes to people who are narcissistic. What came out of that research and the reason the diagnosis for narcissistic personality disorder was changed from a lack of empathy to empathy impairment, is that unlike people who are highly psychopathic, people who are highly narcissistic have flashes of empathy. This is where it gets very confusing.""People see, just as with my mother, they are capable of empathy but what happens is it fluctuates. It vanishes; it's blocked because they are preoccupied by their own needs or something is troubling them or they are not motivated. The current understanding is that the best way to think about narcissists, and particularly unhealthy narcissists, people who get diagnosed with NPD, is that they have an empathy that comes and goes."
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Thursday, June 09, 2016
I'm excited to release the first in this series of unseen video snippets, where I share some bitesize pieces of information on the subject of narcissism. The paperback version of my critically acclaimed book Rethinking Narcissism is out on July 5th, so if this subject interests you subscribe below to receive updates as we countdown to the release!"My most basic definition of unhealthy narcissism is an addiction to feeling special. It is an attempt to cope with the fear of depending on others in healthy ways. There’s lots of ways to cope with that feeling - I’m going to get into that when I talk about parenting next, lots of ways to cope with that. Unhealthy narcissism or an addiction to feeling special is just one and you can choose from a range of possibilities for how you can soothe yourself to feel special."
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Monday, February 01, 2016
There’s a long standing belief, reinforced by books like The Narcissism Epidemic, that narcissists actually feel great about themselves, despite everyone’s suspicion—dating back to age old wisdom about schoolyard bullies—that no one who has to push people down to feel bigger than everyone else on the planet could possibly possess anything even approaching healthy self-regard.Much of the “evidence” that narcissists have high self-esteem comes from a measure called the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which includes items like “I am assertive” and “I’m a born leader.” Narcissists, who tend to score high on the NPI, claim to have terrific self-esteem and oodles of confidence on all or most of these items. Ergo, the researchers concluded, they must have high self-esteem.The only problem is study after study shows that once you pull out the self-esteem heavy items on the NPI, nothing healthy is left.Zilch. Nada. Bupkis.Which stands to reason.Would anyone gifted with truly high self-esteem need to insult others to feel superior, attack anyone who criticizes them, treat people like playthings, pick “trophy wives” and “trophy husbands” over loving partners, demand constant accolades or—in intimate relationships—perfect unwavering attention, and finally, devalue love and relationships? Because these are all features that NPI narcissists seem to proudly flaunt right along side their “high self-esteem.”Savvier researchers recognized that the emperor had no clothes. Extroverted narcissists of the kind measured by the NPI say they’re great at everything, so it’s no surprise they’d claim to feel great about themselves, too. Which led one set of researchers to try something new. They hooked the narcissists up to a lie detector (fake), then asked them how they felt about themselves. Suddenly their high self-esteem vanished.And psychologists didn’t stop there. They also devised new measures, ones that didn’t lump healthy self-esteem in with nasty habits like exploitation and entitlement. (That’s the solution I chose, by the way, for the NSS). Once again, what appeared to be healthy self-esteem vanished like Keyser Soze.Perhaps the most damning evidence that narcissists are not, in fact, secure, is their open admission that they devalue caring relationships. Sorry narcissistic guys and gals, by definition, that’s about as insecure as it gets: it’s called insecure attachment (avoidant, to be precise).So are narcissism and self-esteem the same? Not by a long shot.And here I'm talking about why:
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Friday, December 11, 2015
People often ask me what’s new about Rethinking Narcissism.And the answer is—well, quite a lot: a new definition of narcissism (that explains why there are so many “types” of narcissists), the real reason millenials got such a bad rap, the secret to dealing with narcissistic coworkers, friends, and loved ones—the list goes on. But one of the ideas that resonates most for people who read my work is the concept of echoism—and how it draws us, unwittingly, into relationships with extremely narcissistic friends and partners.You see, this book is, in many ways, my gift to you after my journey back from my own struggles with echoism—the end result of my search to find peace. To find security. To find joy.If you haven’t read Rethinking Narcissism yet—or you’re not familiar Greek mythology—Echo is an important part of the story of Narcissus, but one we rarely, if ever, hear about. She was a mountain nymph, cursed to repeat back the last few words of anyone she heard, and she also had the misfortune falling in love with the infamously self-absorbed Greek youth, Narcissus; just as he fell in love with his reflection, Echo fell in love with him, but she lacked a voice of her own, so was never truly heard—or seen—by him. She became little more than his echo.Like Echo, people who struggle with echoism, also struggle with their voice. At their best, they can be caring, empathic, devoted, but they much prefer to focus on others. Because their deepest fear is seeming narcissistic in any way, they berate themselves for being too needy, too clingy, too demanding, even too selfish, which is truly ironic, because they’re usually anything but. And it’s precisely that pattern of behavior that draws the most narcissistic people into our lives; it’s our penchant to find fault with ourselves and ramp up our efforts to be “less selfish” that keeps us mired in harmful relationships.In my book, I teach you how to find your voice if you struggle with echoism. So you can break the pattern once and for all.At a recent conference where I spoke, Harvard Medical School’s Treating Couples, it was echoism that even my fellow clinicians found so eye-opening that they lined up to ask me about it at the end of the talk. The term offered language—and hope—for a dynamic they knew, but hadn’t yet named: the dance of Echo and Narcissus. Here, I’m talking about my dating life and my own struggles with echoism.Oh—and as you might have guessed, there’s a happy ending.
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
Saturday, November 28, 2015
It's ready to go! I've arranged a little thank you for you all to kick off the holiday season. For starters, you'll be able to download my critically acclaimed book, Rethinking Narcissism for only $1.99.You can download the Thanksgiving Bundle FREE on this link - http://www.drcraigmalkin.com/#thebook - And again, please don't miss this incredible offer to buy Rethinking Narcissism (an essential holiday read!) on Amazon Kindle for only $1.99 on November 30th (#CyberMonday)Are you in the UK? Between Black Friday (27th) and Cyber Monday (30th) you can grab the UK version, The Narcissism Test, on Amazon Kindle for only £4.99 or in paperback for half price!Thank you for all your support!Best,Dr. Craig
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Saturday, October 31, 2015
I'm so excited to have this opportunity to officially announce the launch of my brand new podcast I’m hosting called, The Dr. Craig Malkin Show, and to celebrate the launch I have a very special event planned for you that I think you're going to love, where I’ll be giving away 5 copies of my book, plus you could win a personal consultation with me, valued at $400!The event is to bring together those of you who are interested in the subject of narcissism, for whatever reason that may be. I'm going to help you to understand and cope with narcissism in your partners, family, friends, colleagues and even yourself.In the course of this event you’re going to learn exactly what narcissism is, what drives people to become unhealthily narcissistic, extremely narcissistic, how to protect yourself when you’re faced with dangerous narcissism and even what that is. And what I’ve done is I’ve tied together all of the most recent research, which is really the new science of spotting and coping with narcissists.
Why Rethink Narcissism?
People ask, “Why rethink narcissism?” and sometimes they get a little confused from the title that somehow I’m talking about how great narcissism is - that’s not what this book is about at all. In fact, it draws on many of the most promising and recent research findings that we have in understanding narcissism and includes my own research in helping people understand narcissism in a different way, which gives you a much clearer path through all of this than we’ve ever had before.
How To Participate
It’s really easy to get involved and become a part of this truly amazing event. Here’s the rundown!1 - Click here to join the event over on Facebook.
2 - Subscribe via your favourite medium, either iTunes, Podbean, Soundcloud or YouTube.
3 - Tune in on November 16th for the very first episode and to win a copy of my new book!
The Narcissism Test
To prepare yourself for this event - if you haven’t already done so, I suggest that after reading this post, you go to The Narcissism Test on this website and take the brief online version of the measure my colleagues and I have developed (The Narcissism Spectrum Scale) to see where you or your loved ones score (if you want to take it as if your loved one was taking it; many people have).I really think this will help you make the most of what I’m going to be revealing over the course of the podcast and I hope you’re as excited to tune in as I am to share!
Book A Day Giveaway
Everyday between the 16th and 20th of November 2015 we’re giving away a copy of my book, Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad--And Surprising Good--About Feeling Special, and one of the winners will also get a FREE 50 minute consultation with me, valued at $400!NOW! Click here to listen to the welcome
November 16th - Episode 1 - Introduction to Dr. Craig Malkin
November 17th - Episode 2 - Part 1: What Is Narcissism? (The New Science)
November 18th - Episode 3 - Part 2: Origins of Narcissism
November 19th - Episode 4 - Part 3: Recognizing and Coping with Unhealthy Narcissism
November 20th - Episode 5 - Part 4: Promoting Healthy NarcissismRemember to tweet #RethinkingNarcissism between the 16th - 20th of November to get your chance at being a winner! We'll reply to you on Twitter and post on the Facebook event who has won a copy of the book each day - if you're a winner, please email us at [email protected].Here are some suggestions to get you started, there’s no limit to the number of times you can tweet!Join me and @DrCraigMalkin at the #RethinkingNarcissism Podcast Event! https://www.facebook.com/events/475555629283955/!I’m listening to the Podcast from @DrCraigMalkin on #RethinkingNarcissism - download a new episode everyday 16th-20th November https://www.facebook.com/events/475555629283955/!Win a copy of #RethinkingNarcissism by @DrCraigMalkin, go to https://www.facebook.com/events/475555629283955/!Egotistical family members at the #Thanksgiving dinner table? You need #RethinkingNarcissism https://www.facebook.com/events/475555629283955/!Egotistical family members at the #Christmas dinner table? You need #RethinkingNarcissism https://www.facebook.com/events/475555629283955/!
Subscribe Now!
You can subscribe right now, and be the first to get Episode 1, on November 16th.Subscribe on Podbean
Subscribe on iTunes
Subscribe on Soundcloud
Subscribe on YouTubeDon’t forget to start participating in the event right now by sharing your questions and narcissism stories over on our Facebook event - What got you interested in the subject? How are you coping with narcissism? Do you have any experience or advice to share?See you there!
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
Thursday, October 08, 2015
Most of us want to raise caring and self-confident children, but does telling your children they're special too often and pouring on the praise mean you'll raise a narcissistic brat?I discussed this very question recently at a book reading in Boston, and I chose a personally important passage from my book to open the discussion. It's the story of an event that happened to me almost daily: like clockwork, my twin girls would race up and greet me at the door when I got home, except one day, something new happened: one of my daughters decided not to give me her usual hug and kiss. That moment became a powerful metaphor.Here's the video where I tell you the story.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Thursday, October 01, 2015
At a recent book signing I responded to an excellent question, "What's The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion?"Introverts tend to be quieter, more likely to spend time reflecting and processing and 'mulling over' things, whereas echoists tend to be introverted because they've learned it's unsafe to express themselves.The main difference is that echoists don't believe they can depend on people. I also discuss attachment to spiritual figures and communities in my response in the video above. I'd love to read your thoughts on this in the comments!More from the book signing next week where I'll be discussing parenting.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Thursday, September 17, 2015
It's extraordinarily helpful for me to draw on personal experience in my work with clients. It adds a depth of emotion and understanding that's hard to reach when I don't bring some of myself into the room. That's one of the reasons I openly talk about my relationship with my mother inside my book Rethinking Narcissism. She introduced me to the topic in the most immediate and vital way possible. And I couldn't have imagined introducing you, the reader, to narcissism, without describing the very struggles that brought me to the topic in the first place. I thought I'd share some of the background from the introduction of my book. I'd love to hear from you in the comments if you've had anyone in your life you've suspected of being a narcissist, and want to share how that's affected you.
Excerpt from Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special.
"My mother was the most wonderful and infuriating person I’ve ever known: she was a narcissist.I wasn’t aware of it for the longest time, not until I was in college and immersed in an introductory psychology text.There, printed in bright bold letters just below a picture of the Greek youth Narcissus staring at his reflection in a pool of water, was the word narcissism. When I read the accompanying description, I remember feeling relieved and horrified all at once. The term perfectly captured the paradox of my mother.She was the incandescent figure of my childhood, irrepressibly outgoing, infectiously funny, and wonderfully caring. The world seemed to revolve around her. A striking nearly six-foot-tall blonde, with a thick English accent from her upbringing in Great Britain, she seemed to make connections everywhere she went—the grocery store, the coffee shop, the hair salon. She was devoted to friends, buoying them through illness and hardships, and dedicated to improving her community, whether the project was cleaning up a playground or organizing a bake sale. And as wife to my father and mother to me and my brother, she was always there, generous with her love and counsel.But her glow gradually dimmed as I, and she, grew older. She seemed to become more self-involved. She bragged about her accomplishments as a young ballet dancer, sometimes making the point by demonstrating—awkwardly—a split or plié. She name-dropped, boasting of brushes with celebrities (though I could never tell if the encounters were real or imagined). She grew obsessed with her looks, frantically charting wrinkles and chasing spots around her body and starving herself to stay thin. She interrupted people when they spoke, even when they were in the midst of sharing their pain and anxiety. Once, when I tried to tell her of my anguish over a romantic breakup, she dreamily muttered, “I never had any trouble finding dates.” I was stunned by the non sequitur.What had happened to my mother? College gave me the word narcissism. But I really didn’t understand what it meant. I had so many questions. Had she always been a narcissist and I hadn’t recognized it? Was she suddenly pushed to it by circumstance, namely getting older? Could I do anything to get back the loving, unselfish woman I remembered from my childhood?I devoted myself to finding answers. In the library, I pored over books and articles from Freud onward. As a psychologist in training, I interned with one of the foremost experts on narcissism. I took a postdoctoral fellowship focused on helping personality-disordered clients, hoping to better understand narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), the most extreme form of narcissism. But even though I learned a great deal during those years, my understanding still felt incomplete. Then one day, I saw something that changed my thinking about narcissism—in my mother, in my clients, and in myself—forever."To find out what it was I saw, and learn more about my experiences and research, check out my book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special, available online and in book stores, which provides guidance, reassurance and practical advice. I hope it brings clarity to to the relationships in your life.
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
Thursday, September 03, 2015
The Oprah Winfrey Network interviewed me recently for their OWN Show, which I have to admit was an amazing experience. I sat down in their studio and answered a series of questions, 12 of which are in today's post below. I wanted to share these with you because when a spouse, partner or family member is showing narcissistic characteristics they can often go unrecognized and many times you could end up thinking there is something wrong with you. I hope this guidance and advice helps you on your journey through Rethinking Narcissism.
#1 HOW MIGHT WE MISS A NARCISSIST?
We miss the narcissists in our lives because we get too focused on are they loud, are they arrogant, are they vain and that’s not what being a narcissist is about. Narcissists dodge, avoid feelings of vulnerability like sadness, loneliness, fear because they're afraid of depending on people. So to comfort themselves, to soothe themselves, they rely on feeling special instead. Instead of relying on people they rely on feeling special.
#2 HOW CAN A NARCISSIST CHARM YOU?
An early warning sign of a hidden narcissist is they can be extremely charming upfront. The really outgoing narcissists spend a lot of time focused on their appearance. When they’re given time to put themselves together they look fantastic and they become experts at it, what we researchers call effective adornment. So in addition to being really outgoing and charming and pulling you in, they can be very attractive. You can get pulled in without even realizing it.Another warning sign of a hidden narcissist is putting people on pedestals because one thing it does for them is it helps them feel special to be close to someone who’s special. But the other thing it does is it helps them avoid feeling vulnerable in any way. If you're with a god, if you're with an idol you don’t ever have to worry about being hurt, you don’t ever have to worry about being disappointed. They cement you onto a pedestal and when you’re cemented to a pedestal that’s not a real relationship.
#3 HOW DO Narcissists USe STEALTH CONTROL?
Because they don’t really like to ask for things directly, because it puts them in a position of feeling dependent and possibly even hearing no, they will arrange events to get what they need. I had a client who had a boyfriend who actually would show up at the last minute with concert tickets and say, “Hey, I’ve got this concert for us to go to,” drag her on this wonderful adventure and all of that is fun and terrific. If she suggested let’s go out to this restaurant he said, “Neh, I don’t really want to do that.” It took her a while to realize everything was about what he wanted to do, it was about his desires, his preferences even when it came to things that were fun. If they're engaging in these kinds of strategy there is a chance that they’re using stealth control to feel special.
#4 WHAT IS THE TWIN FANTASY?
Another way to spot a hidden narcissist I call fantasizing your twins. We are alike, isn’t that special? It gives us a special feeling to be with somebody who shares all of our same ideas and preferences. If you get into your 30s with someone, a friend, or even someone you’re dating and they’re saying, “Ah, I love that too. I like ketchup just like you like ketchup.” If you’re with someone who constantly insists on all the ways you’re similar and that seems to go on for a while, that again can be a sign that you’re with somebody who's a narcissist in more of these hidden ways. If there’s no difference then there cannot be disappointment. So there's no vulnerability. So they’re relying on a special relationship of feeling like a twin instead of really connecting with you.
#5 WHAT DOES FLUCTUATING EMPATHY MEAN?
Fluctuating empathy means you see the person with their friends being really caring and connected in a very genuine fashion. People make the mistake of thinking this is all for show. And for many people who are highly narcissistic they really are being very empathic, they’re being terrific listeners. They might even be that way at the start of relationships, but then they get concerned about something and how it will affect them and suddenly the empathy vanishes. Their narcissism rises. Instead of turning to you to see if you can be there for them and that they can rely on you, they rely on feeling special again. So the narcissism spikes.
#6 HOW CAN A NARCISSIST HURT ME?
One of the ways hidden narcissists can damage us is if we’re not looking for the signs then we open our heart to someone, we look to them to depend on them for care and love and they’re not able to give it in any mutual fashion and people can wind up very heart broken. But they can also be directly damaging because if somebody is making themselves feel special by putting you down, by implying somehow you’re doing things wrong all the time and they’re not, that’s going to undermine your self-confidence, that’s going to erode your self-esteem.
#7 HOW SHOULD YOU APPROACH A NARCISSIST?
I would never ever recommend telling somebody “you’re a narcissist.” It’s become an empty pejorative in many ways at this point and more of an insult so it’s likely to set somebody off. If they are extremely narcissistic they’re not going to take it in; it’s not going to be of any use to them. And what the research shows is that it’s far more effective to focus on the moments that they’re showing caring, concern, empathy and the times that you feel more connected to them. Because the more they see that they can rely on relationships, the more they’re comfortable with depending on people for feeling good, the less they’re going to turn to feeling special, the less they’re going to turn to narcissism.
#8 WHEN SHOULD YOU WALK AWAY?
Our normal impulse much of the time is to run away from people like this and often that’s a good idea. There are some stop signs. One stop sign is if you’re in a relationship with someone who is physically or emotionally abusive - it doesn’t matter what causes it, whether it’s alcoholism or narcissism or anything else, that’s a reason to leave. You need professional help in order to figure out how to leave.Another bad sign is if they’re in denial. If they can’t even say, “I think there’s something wrong. I think I’m having trouble here,” it’s not going to get better. That’s a reason to leave.The other third stop sign is if you see a pattern of remorseless lies and deceit. This can be a sign of extreme psychopathy. Extremely psychopathic narcissists can be dangerous and that’s another stop sign. If you’re having trouble getting out you want professional help in figuring out how to leave.If you’re not seeing those signs of danger what you’re looking for is some kind of flexibility. Remember narcissists depend on feeling special to feel good, to soothe themselves in a variety of ways instead of depending on people. So what you want to test out is do they have a capacity to share more vulnerable feelings. And really the only way to do that is to open up and be vulnerable in certain ways yourself.
#9 WHAT IS THE HOT POTATO PASS?
One of the ways they dodge uncomfortable feelings, particularly insecurity, is... think of it like a game of hot potato with feelings. It’s "I don’t want to feel like I don’t know what I’m talking about or I’m unsure of myself, here you take the feeling." Somebody who’s a boss, someone who’s in charge, they want to feel like they’re on top of things. Especially in the workplace a typical maneuver is to question your every move. This is the boss or a co-worker who sits down and says, “I don’t think that this should be done this way or I don’t think this is right,” and they start nitpicking. What they’re trying to do is they’re trying to get rid of their own feelings, their own vulnerable feelings--they’re not sure what they’ve done is good enough-- by saying and doing things to make you feel like you’re the incompetent person. That’s an example of emotional hot potato and it’s really common in the workplace.
#10 HOW CAN YOU BLOCK THE HOT POTATO PASS?
If faced with a hot potato pass you work with what you’re feeling. “Oh, I’m feeling really inadequate, I’m feeling a little off balance or I’m feeling a little shaky,” and then you assume, rightly so, that that’s probably what that person is feeling and you ask them, “What’s got you feeling off today? Something feels like maybe you’re not as sure about the project we’re working on, or is there something that I don’t know about where you’re feeling extra pressure and that’s got you feeling a little shaky?” I call that blocking the pass.
#11 HOW CAN YOU CATCH THE NARCISSIST BEING GOOD?
One of my favourite strategies is called catching the person being good. Everybody makes the mistake of thinking the solution here is to tell the person who’s being narcissistic off, saying that was so arrogant of you and why did you do that and why are you being such a jerk, which in fact makes them more narcissistic because it makes all of us more narcissistic. We want to hold onto ourselves, “I didn’t do that,” and we get defensive. What the research shows is that the way to help somebody reduce their narcissism-- to not rely so heavily on feeling special or be so addicted to it--is to have them focus on moments of connection and caring. In catching good what you do is you catch them in those moments.So I had a client I worked with who had a friend who could fluctuate in empathy. If she had something going on in her life that was distressing her, she wasn’t really present. So I coached my client to say to her in a moment where she was really listening to her story about how she had been upset at work, “This feels great when we have conversations like this. I feel like you’re really hearing what I’m saying and you’re just getting what my feelings are and I love it when we talk like this. I love it when we have conversations like this and I’d love to do it more.” That’s an example of catching good.What you’re doing is you’re catching them in a moment when they’re showing that capacity for empathy and connection and you’re reinforcing it. In a way what you’re doing is you’re helping them feel special in a good way because you’re showing them that they’re special to you and they can rely on feeling good through the strength of the relationship, which is very different. It’s very different than relying on looks or feeling superior. You feel like you’re a good friend. How special is that?
#12 HOW CAN YOU COPE WITH NARCISSISTIC FAMILY MEMBERS?
We also do need to talk about surviving extreme narcissism, say if you have a parent or if you have an ex-spouse and you’re having to deal with custody issues you can’t leave, we can’t always march out the door, it’s not a relationship like that so you have to figure out different ways to cope. If you’re trying to protect yourself you might want to use something I call a connection contract. It’s a form of limit setting where you lay out ahead of time all the things that are going to keep you from being present, from wanting to stick around this person. So, I had one man that I worked with whose sister was constantly berating him, she would actually insult his intelligence and he wanted to go home. He wanted to see other family members and his sister was going to be there and he also did want to try to see her, but he didn’t want to be exposed to any of this. So what I coached him to do was to say to her on the phone, "I really want to see you, you’re my sister, but if I hear criticism, if I hear yelling, if I hear insults about my intelligence that will tell me that you're not in a space to be around me and I’ll have to find another place to stay, I won’t be able to be in the same house with you. So it’s really up to you whether or not I’m able to see you on this trip."That's an example of a connection contract and it’s often extremely effective. It’s been the case with lots of clients I’ve worked with because one of the things it does is it predicts behavior. And none of us really like to have our behavior predicted so if the person is extremely narcissistic it puts some pressure on them not to do it. In a connection contract you have to be very clear about the behaviors. You have to really spell it out. If I hear yelling, if you start drinking heavily around me, if you call me fat, those are the things that are going to keep me from sticking around, so you want to be very specific with the behaviors. Basically what you’re telling the person is, this is what's required for me to be present and you want to tell them what the deal breakers are.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
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What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
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Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
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Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
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#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Thursday, August 27, 2015
Here in America, we're a little over a year away from casting our votes for the next President of the United States. Campaigns are underway to help convince the public who they should vote for. Which potential leaders and their actions deserve your praise? My recent article on the Huffington post (that's currently had almost 5,000 likes/shares) indicates that we all want to make smart, informed decisions about the answer to that question.In my post I stated that, "Politicians are groomed by us--by our applause, by our polls, by our votes. Whatever you seem to love or hate, they'll embrace or reject." So really as a nation, we have to be extraordinarily careful about which behaviors we applaud--and which ones we reject.If you've read my book Rethinking Narcissism you'll already know there's such a thing as healthy narcissism and that many people throughout history who possessed it have been great leaders. And you also know that some behaviors encourage people to remain healthy--and some virtually guarantee they'll just become intolerably arrogant.
So how do we bring out the best in our potential candidates?
Applauding leaders who demonstrate: careful reflection; authentic, vulnerable feelings; collaboration and team spirit; the ability to apologize or admit they've made a mistake; and the curiosity to openly ask questions-- and seek answers --when they need more information.
What could bring out the worsT?
Applauding leaders who display: insulting behavior or any forms of bullying; the tendency to manipulate or exploit others; black and white thinking ; and evasiveness, such as skirting around issues or glossing over details.
I've just touched on a few of the key behaviors that the research shows leaders with healthy and unhealthy narcissism can demonstrate.For the complete guide which I encourage you to share with your fellow Americans - or anyone in a country where the people elect their leaders- visit The Huffington Post, and help make your country a positive presence in the world!
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Thursday, August 20, 2015
I was delighted to be interviewed recently on "Passion" with Laurie Betito on my new book, Rethinking Narcissism. In this interview we talk relationships, social media and living with Narcissism - listen to the audio or read the transcript! I'd love to read your comments!
Full Transcript
[ Click Here to listen to more of Dr. Malkin's interviews ]
Broadcaster:
Relationships, sex, passion with Dr. Laurie Betito. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
Welcome to Passion, it’s all about love, sex and relationships. I’m Dr. Laurie Betito your host, clinical psychologist with a speciality in sexuality. Tonight we are talking about an important topic, a very important topic. We’ve talked about it on and off on the program but it just seems that we are hearing the word everywhere and it makes you kind of think mmh, are we living in a narcissistic epidemic? We’re going to find out a whole lot about narcissism, a brand new book out and I have to tell you I read it, read most of it, loved it, I think you will too. And the book is Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. The author is with us, Dr. Craig Malkin is on the line. Dr. Craig, welcome to the show.
Dr. Malkin:
Hi, thanks for having me on.
Dr. Betito:
It’s wonderful that you took the time to be with us tonight. Now, can we talk about this narcissistic epidemic? Is it in fact just – we’re just hearing about it so much more or are we now in a society that is just so much more narcissistic than ever before?
Dr. Malkin:
I think it’s easier to see narcissism because we have all kinds of tools for people to express it. Social media is a media outlet for people to call attention to themselves and post pictures, post selfies.
Dr. Betito:
But we all do that.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah, absolutely and social media makes it easier. And what we’re finding in the research is that people express their personality through social media so that introverts are more introverted in social media, extroverts are more extroverted and narcissists are more narcissistic. I am not convinced that there’s a narcissism epidemic. I think it’s just easier to see narcissism now. The majority of the evidence is based on very young people taking tests that are not meant to diagnose anyone.
"Narcissist isn’t even a diagnosis." via @drcraigmalkin author of #RethinkingNarcissism
CLICK TO TWEET
Narcissist isn’t even a diagnosis. Let’s make that clear to all the viewers out there. A narcissist may or may not even have a disorder. So we’re talking about people generally in their 20s who are captive audiences taking these tests and not a large population around the world. And a two point difference between generations, I mean that’s one of the arguments. It’s not everyone in the field of psychology at this point, it’s not consensus, it’s a big controversy to say that.
Dr. Betito:
Right, and I think the media has taken – when we hear a study like that you can see that it’s a media bandwagon, “Oh, they’ve got an epidemic.” It’s a little bit like saying we have an epidemic of ADHD or an epidemic of autism and we just never had the words to describe it before, we couldn’t recognise it as such, but now just because we have the words does not mean that there’s suddenly an epidemic.
Dr. Malkin:
No. And another problem is that there are other researchers out there who are showing that there are pieces of these measures that happen to be healthy. Answering a question like I am assertive and agreeing with that or I am a born leader, those questions tend to relate to really healthy things; healthy relationships and they turn out to be people who look quite fine in other ways. And it just might be that those are the questions that the new generation are answering yes to. There’s a few studies that suggest that.
Dr. Betito:
And this goes to the title of your book, Rethinking Narcissism. What you’re just talking about now is the healthy part that some of us who may have some of these traits that you talk about that would have in a study say said, “Oh, you fit the narcissist label,” can be really healthy traits. And I think tonight what’s really important if we could get the message across is really looking at the difference between what’s healthy, what can be really good for us in terms of some narcissism and when do you have to get away from somebody who is on the other end of the spectrum. And what I love about the book, and I have to tell you, is that you offer a spectrum and you see where you can fit and every single person can identify with something in there.
Dr. Malkin:
Absolutely. The chief rethink of rethinking narcissism--it’s nice we’re starting with the surprising good because there’s about 40 years of research at this point that show that people see themselves through slightly rose-coloured glasses.
Dr. Betito:
Right.
Dr. Malkin:
They feel more resilient, they feel more happy or more optimistic, they have great and wonderful relationships, they’re empathic, they often recover from loss more quickly. That’s the healthy piece but then it comes from feeling a little bit special.
Dr. Betito:
Which is a good thing.
Dr. Malkin:
When you’re talking about narcissists – say it again?
Dr. Betito:
It’s a good thing. I mean that this is what we want all our children…
Dr. Malkin:
Yes. When we’re talking about narcissists they’re addicted to feeling special. It becomes their sole means of feeling good about themselves. That’s the bad, where they turn to feeling special all the time. Instead of turning to love, instead of turning to people, instead of depending on people they depend on feeling special, much like an addict soothes themselves with drugs, they soothe themselves with the feeling that they’re special or better than other people.
Dr. Betito:
My guest tonight is Dr. Craig Malkin. He is the author of a brand new book Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. We’ll talk about the difference between knowing you’re with a narcissist - the traits are okay, when are they bad and how does it affect us? So if you have thoughts on this or you maybe think you’re with a narcissist, you might want to talk to us tonight. 514-800 if you would like to text in your thoughts as one person did, “More than five selfies a week and you’re a little narcissistic,” from one texter. I don’t know if we can quantify it but we can always try. And if you’d like to call in and if you have a question or tell us about your situation you can; 514-790-0800 and you have a website I believe where people can look…
Dr. Malkin:
I do, www.drcraigmalkin.com
Dr. Betito:
Wonderful. So people can look for your book there too and a description of it.
Dr. Malkin:
Absolutely. And if they want to take the test I have a research validated test that we’re working up to get to publication. There’s a brief version of that on my site that many people have taken, at this point 21,000.
Dr. Betito:
Wow!
Dr. Malkin:
It’s at www.thenarcissismtest.com and it will actually give you results to show you if you have healthy narcissism, if you don’t have enough, or if you’re in the extreme end.
Dr. Betito:
So I am daring my listeners right now, go take the test and give us your results, thenarcissismtest.com. More with Dr. Craig Malkin coming up next here on Passion on CJAD.
Broadcaster:
You’re listening to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito, the podcast. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
Tonight I’m very excited to have Dr. Craig Malkin on the program with us. Rethinking Narcissism is the book, The Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. There’s nothing wrong with feeling special, there’s nothing wrong with feeling confident. Those are all good qualities, however we often look at the really ugly side and we’ll talk about that ugly side or the bad side. You can take the test, I just did it. It takes two seconds, thenarcissismtest.com. I’m happy to report - I’m not sure I would have reported it if I was on the other end of the spectrum however, I have to tell you, but I scored high on healthy narcissism so I’m happy to hear that.
Dr. Malkin:
Fantastic.
Dr. Betito:
That was fun. I was scared. I was like, “Oh, what if I…” anyway, whatever. So a texter wrote, “I post lots of selfies about four a week with beautiful quotes of poetry. The more they trend the more I get excited. So I don’t know if…”
Dr. Malkin:
With poetry did you say?
Dr. Betito:
Yeah, they say with quotes of poetry.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah, wonderful. So let’s talk about selfies. I mean when you think about social media one of the points that I make another rethink in Rethinking Narcissism in a chapter on social media I look at all the research-- and now that this has since been confirmed-- not surprisingly it all depends on how you use social media. And really the rule of thumb here is share don’t compare. If you’re just posting selfies to draw attention to yourself, intention is everything here. If you’re posting selfies to tell a story or share quotes that inspire people or help build some sense of community then how can that not be good?
So this is an example of how we can use social media in healthy ways, I call it SoWe because the abbreviation for social media is often #SoMe. The hash tag SoWe movement I’m trying to launch here is all about how can we start using it in ways that bring people closer together, sharing instead of comparing. The number of selfies doesn’t matter; it’s what you do with them.
Dr. Betito:
That’s right, not the size, it’s what you do with it. So now I see in my practise, I do marriage counselling so I do see a lot of relationships that are falling apart and many times people come in to see me who are in really bad relationships and it’s just one person in the relationship and where it really looks like they are married to a narcissist or with a narcissist in a very bad way. So how do you know whether it’s a bad relationship or you’re in a relationship with a narcissist?
Dr. Malkin:
A lot of people make the mistake here I want to say of looking to the more obvious signs the vain, primping, braggart you think of when you think of reality TV and then they miss all the red flags because the reality is a lot of narcissists are quiet and they don’t care about looks or money or fame. That makes them harder to spot. But what all narcissists have in common, all people who are high in narcissism--that’s what we’re using narcissist as a shorthand for--is that they don’t trust they can turn to people and depend on them and expect that they’ll comfort them and help them feel good. They’re not securely attached is the term in the research. They’re not capable of feeling safe depending on others. So again instead of depending on people they depend on feeling special and that leads to all kinds of predictable strategies. What they all have in common is their ways of avoiding vulnerable feelings, which we need to get into to depend on people. Feelings like loneliness, sadness, shame, fear.
So one that you see a lot of if you’re trying to decide am I with somebody who is more narcissistic, we all do this from time to time but narcissist use it frequently and always to feel superior in some way. A good example is playing what I call emotional hot potato. It really is like playing hot potato with feelings. Usually feelings of smallness or insecurity. So I had an example one of my clients was applying for jobs and her boyfriend who was unemployed at the time kept asking her, “Are you sure you got the qualifications for that one? Maybe that one is beyond you or maybe you’re reaching too much there.” So he felt insecure and small and unsure but instead of saying that about how he’s feeling about unemployed, he said and did things to make her feel insecure and help him feel a little more superior like he was the wise one guiding her in some way.
Dr. Betito:
Right, I hear that a lot from partners who feel like their partner treats them like they’re just dumb or they’re very condescending to them and patronising is often the word that I hear. We’re going to take a short break and come back with Dr. Craig Malkin the author of Rethinking Narcissism. If there’s anything our listeners want to add to this or take the test, thenarcissismtest.com and let me know; are you a healthy narcissist or maybe you won’t tell me if you don’t fit the healthy one, I don’t know, but you can. You’re listening to Passion on CJAD 800.
Broadcaster:
You’re listening to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito, the podcast. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
There is just so much to say about this topic and that is narcissism and Dr. Craig Malkin wrote a fantastic book on the topic. Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. He developed a test too that you can take, it only takes a minute or two, thenarcissismtest.com. We have Brian on the line. Hi Brian.
Brian:
Yes, hi good evening.
Dr. Malkin:
Hi Brian.
Brian:
Hi. I got a question about Donald Trump. Now this guy rather fits the textbook…
Dr. Betito:
Donald Trump, you think he’s a textbook narcissist. Is he a textbook narcissist Dr. Craig?
Dr. Malkin:
Well, as a fellow clinical psychologist you know I can’t ethically diagnose someone I haven’t been in the room with.
Dr. Betito:
Oh off the record, come on.
Dr. Malkin:
But since narcissist is not a diagnosis the classic extroverted or grandiose narcissist brag, they take up a lot of room, they tend to exploit others to get their needs met, they tend to be highly entitled, they tend to not be particularly self-aware when they’re doing those things. That’s the more classic…
Dr. Betito:
That’s him.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah.
Dr. Betito:
It’s okay, he’s not going to hear us. It’s fine. Actually…
Dr. Malkin:
But we’re safe because it’s not a diagnosis. It remains to be seen whether or not he would meet criteria for disorder.
Dr. Betito:
Right, that’s quite true but he does exhibit all that especially when faced with criticism and he will – I have not seen that man take responsibility for things that he has said, stupidities but nonetheless. So yup, there is a good example.
Dr. Malkin:
Inability to apologise is really the hallmark because again remember if your sole drive is to maintain a special image, a sense of you being special in some way then the image of perfection-- what a way to do it, I’m always right.
Dr. Betito:
Right, I’m never wrong and that is…
Dr. Malkin:
I’m infallible.
Dr. Betito:
Yeah, I see that so often. I hear people say that, “Oh, he’s never wrong or she’s never wrong.” They always have to be right and the question is do you want to be right or do you want to be married? On the other side the news we…
Dr. Malkin:
Precisely.
Dr. Betito:
That’s right. We will continue with Dr. Craig Malkin, the author of Rethinking Narcissism. And during our news break thenarcissismtest.com go do the test. You’re listening to Passion on CJAD 800.
Broadcaster:
You’re listening to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito, the podcast. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
Tonight I’m very excited to have Dr. Craig Malkin on the program with us. Rethinking Narcissism is the book, The Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. There’s nothing wrong with feeling special, there’s nothing wrong with feeling confident. Those are all good qualities, however we often look at the really ugly side and we’ll talk about that ugly side or the bad side. You can take the test, I just did it. It takes two seconds, thenarcissismtest.com. I’m happy to report - I’m not sure I would have reported it if I was on the other end of the spectrum however, I have to tell you, but I scored high on healthy narcissism so I’m happy to hear that.
Dr. Malkin:
Fantastic.
Dr. Betito:
That was fun. I was scared. I was like, “Oh, what if I…” anyway, whatever. So a texter wrote, “I post lots of selfies about four a week with beautiful quotes of poetry. The more they trend the more I get excited. So I don’t know if…”
Dr. Malkin:
With poetry did you say?
Dr. Betito:
Yeah, they say with quotes of poetry.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah, wonderful. So let’s talk about selfies. I mean when you think about social media one of the points that I make another rethink in Rethinking Narcissism in a chapter on social media I look at all the research-- and now that this has since been confirmed-- not surprisingly it all depends on how you use social media. And really the rule of thumb here is share don’t compare. If you’re just posting selfies to draw attention to yourself, intention is everything here. If you’re posting selfies to tell a story or share quotes that inspire people or help build some sense of community then how can that not be good?
So this is an example of how we can use social media in healthy ways, I call it SoWe because the abbreviation for social media is often #SoMe. The hash tag SoWe movement I’m trying to launch here is all about how can we start using it in ways that bring people closer together, sharing instead of comparing. The number of selfies doesn’t matter; it’s what you do with them.
Dr. Betito:
That’s right, not the size, it’s what you do with it. So now I see in my practise, I do marriage counselling so I do see a lot of relationships that are falling apart and many times people come in to see me who are in really bad relationships and it’s just one person in the relationship and where it really looks like they are married to a narcissist or with a narcissist in a very bad way. So how do you know whether it’s a bad relationship or you’re in a relationship with a narcissist?
Dr. Malkin:
A lot of people make the mistake here I want to say of looking to the more obvious signs the vain, primping, braggart you think of when you think of reality TV and then they miss all the red flags because the reality is a lot of narcissists are quiet and they don’t care about looks or money or fame. That makes them harder to spot. But what all narcissists have in common, all people who are high in narcissism--that’s what we’re using narcissist as a shorthand for--is that they don’t trust they can turn to people and depend on them and expect that they’ll comfort them and help them feel good. They’re not securely attached is the term in the research. They’re not capable of feeling safe depending on others. So again instead of depending on people they depend on feeling special and that leads to all kinds of predictable strategies. What they all have in common is their ways of avoiding vulnerable feelings, which we need to get into to depend on people. Feelings like loneliness, sadness, shame, fear.
So one that you see a lot of if you’re trying to decide am I with somebody who is more narcissistic, we all do this from time to time but narcissist use it frequently and always to feel superior in some way. A good example is playing what I call emotional hot potato. It really is like playing hot potato with feelings. Usually feelings of smallness or insecurity. So I had an example one of my clients was applying for jobs and her boyfriend who was unemployed at the time kept asking her, “Are you sure you got the qualifications for that one? Maybe that one is beyond you or maybe you’re reaching too much there.” So he felt insecure and small and unsure but instead of saying that about how he’s feeling about unemployed, he said and did things to make her feel insecure and help him feel a little more superior like he was the wise one guiding her in some way.
Dr. Betito:
Right, I hear that a lot from partners who feel like their partner treats them like they’re just dumb or they’re very condescending to them and patronising is often the word that I hear. We’re going to take a short break and come back with Dr. Craig Malkin the author of Rethinking Narcissism. If there’s anything our listeners want to add to this or take the test, thenarcissismtest.com and let me know; are you a healthy narcissist or maybe you won’t tell me if you don’t fit the healthy one, I don’t know, but you can. You’re listening to Passion on CJAD 800.
Broadcaster:
You’re listening to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito, the podcast. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
There is just so much to say about this topic and that is narcissism and Dr. Craig Malkin wrote a fantastic book on the topic. Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. He developed a test too that you can take, it only takes a minute or two, thenarcissismtest.com. We have Brian on the line. Hi Brian.
Brian:
Yes, hi good evening.
Dr. Malkin:
Hi Brian.
Brian:
Hi. I got a question about Donald Trump. Now this guy rather fits the textbook…
Dr. Betito:
Donald Trump, you think he’s a textbook narcissist. Is he a textbook narcissist Dr. Craig?
Dr. Malkin:
Well, as a fellow clinical psychologist you know I can’t ethically diagnose someone I haven’t been in the room with.
Dr. Betito:
Oh off the record, come on.
Dr. Malkin:
But since narcissist is not a diagnosis the classic extroverted or grandiose narcissist brag, they take up a lot of room, they tend to exploit others to get their needs met, they tend to be highly entitled, they tend to not be particularly self-aware when they’re doing those things. That’s the more classic…
Dr. Betito:
That’s him.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah.
Dr. Betito:
It’s okay, he’s not going to hear us. It’s fine. Actually…
Dr. Malkin:
But we’re safe because it’s not a diagnosis. It remains to be seen whether or not he would meet criteria for disorder.
Dr. Betito:
Right, that’s quite true but he does exhibit all that especially when faced with criticism and he will – I have not seen that man take responsibility for things that he has said, stupidities but nonetheless. So yup, there is a good example.
Dr. Malkin:
Inability to apologise is really the hallmark because again remember if your sole drive is to maintain a special image, a sense of you being special in some way then the image of perfection-- what a way to do it, I’m always right.
Dr. Betito:
Right, I’m never wrong and that is…
Dr. Malkin:
I’m infallible.
Dr. Betito:
Yeah, I see that so often. I hear people say that, “Oh, he’s never wrong or she’s never wrong.” They always have to be right and the question is do you want to be right or do you want to be married? On the other side the news we…
Dr. Malkin:
Precisely.
Dr. Betito:
That’s right. We will continue with Dr. Craig Malkin, the author of Rethinking Narcissism. And during our news break thenarcissismtest.com go do the test. You’re listening to Passion on CJAD 800.
Broadcaster:
You’re listening to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito, the podcast. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
Tonight on the program not talking so much about sex but relationships and sometimes very troubled relationships especially if you are with a narcissist. Tonight on the program Dr. Craig Malkin. He is the author of Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad and Surprising Good about Feeling Special. His website drcraigmalkin.com but you can also go to thenarcissismtest.com, take that little test and find out if you fit on the spectrum of healthy narcissism. As Liam just sent us a text on 514-800, “I scored average/average high. Is there a more comprehensive test for diagnosis or must I visit a health care professional?” The reality is most narcissistic personality disorders never end up seeing somebody anyway.
Dr. Malkin:
That’s true. And this is not a diagnostic test, this is the brief informal version of the official narcissism spectrum scale that we’ve developed. There’s a longer version in the book and what I found just from all the 21,000 people who’ve taken it, a few people here and there test false positive, I mean that’s going to happen with any test. And then they take the longer test and they look a little bit healthier. But what it tends to mean when somebody scores high with a profile like the average/average extreme is that they might – this is what you were referring to earlier Dr. Laurie – they might put being right first over being connected or for staying married. They might get argumentative at times and dig in their heels.
Dr. Betito:
Can we talk about anger? Because I hear this a lot too from people who are married to narcissists that there is a lot of anger in the relationship and they spend a lot of time trying to avoid that anger.
Dr. Malkin:
That the narcissists spend a lot of time?
Dr. Betito:
No, the person married to the narcissist is always walking on eggshells trying to stay away from the outburst.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah. So at this point this is when I make sure we talk about some of what I call the stop signs. Because the topic here is whether to stay or go, there are deal breakers, stop signs. And when we’re talking about anger or getting to the point of rage and threats, not all narcissists even with NPD based on the research are physically or emotionally abusive, many are just aloof or insensitive, emotionally numb. But if you see abuse, if the rage gets to be too much, if there’s put down, if there’s constant criticism – criticism happens in marriages all the time and it’s one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse of marriage according to John Gottman who has done a lot of research on this – so that doesn’t distinguish it, but if it’s all the time, and if you’re actually physically afraid it’s time to find help leaving. If the person you’re with is in a lot of denial or they can’t even admit that they’re in trouble, there’s a little something wrong…
Dr. Betito:
With them.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah, that’s a reason to get help leaving. Obviously we’re not talking about the kind of people who come to your practice or mine, they’re not in denial, they can at least admit to something…
Dr. Betito:
Then you can maybe get some change there, not always but you can try anyhow.
Dr. Malkin:
Not always.
Dr. Betito:
If you don’t mind we’ll speak to Rachel on the line who’s here. Hi Rachel, you’re on with Dr. Craig Malkin.
Rachel:
Hi.
Dr. Betito:
Hi.
Rachel:
I finally escaped a narcissist. After 25 years I finally left.
Dr. Betito:
Was it difficult to leave after so many years? Like what do you think kept you there that it was so difficult to leave? I think that’s a really good topic actually to think about is why is it so difficult to leave?
Rachel:
Well living with a narcissist is like you’re always on a rollercoaster. It’s always up or down or up and down and every – we did five years of therapy and that made him angry. He refused to see that anything was his fault, that he was possibly doing anything. It really took my kids telling me to leave to really get me to leave. Because my daughter is coming up to me going, “Why are you with him? He treats you horribly.” And I finally took that and then just how many chances does a person give? And I just got fed up and I have to tell you I have never been happier. It’s been two months and I’m so happy. I’m free.
Dr. Betito:
I’m free, yeah.
Rachel:
I’m just free from that control freak, from the person who wanted…
Dr. Malkin:
I’m so glad you found the strength and I’m guessing support to get out. It sounds like it was a very toxic relationship.
Rachel:
I had tremendous support who really were there with me and really helped me through this but I finally was brave enough to do it and I wish I had done it so many years ago.
Dr. Betito:
Right. I’m sure a lot of people feel the exact same way you do Rachel. You’re talking for many.
Rachel:
Exactly. It was so hard and because you don’t want to hear the explosion because you tell them you want to leave and then they’re going to scream at you for three hours or they have a lecture or they want to talk and it’s a six hour rant from them and you just get so used to just not rocking the boat because it is exhausting.
Dr. Betito:
It’s exhausting, right.
Rachel:
It is exhausting so you just muddle through and I was miserable for so many years.
Dr. Malkin:
And I’m guessing because this is a common dynamic that happens to people who are in that situation, after a while you feel like the only control when you’re walking on eggshells it becomes somehow all about your approach. And you wind up tipping into self-blame or maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up then or maybe I brought it up the wrong way or…
Rachel:
Exactly. He was very good at telling me that it was all my fault and it’s the way I did things and he’d yell because I did this or I didn’t do this and it was all my fault and after a while you just don’t want to hear it. But you end up just in this bubble of depression and misery. I used to never go out, I used to just go to work, come back, have to hear him yell and I just…
Dr. Malkin:
Oh gosh.
Dr. Betito:
Well, we’re very proud of you Rachel.
Rachel:
Thank you.
Dr. Malkin:
Good for you.
Rachel:
Others can do it. There’s freedom and there’s happiness afterwards.
Dr. Betito:
Inspiration. Thank you very much for calling.
Rachel:
Okay, bye-bye.
Dr. Betito:
So that’s typical, right Dr. Craig?
Dr. Malkin:
Absolutely. When it comes to extreme narcissism remember it doesn’t always have to be overt, in her case this was very abusive but they don’t like to ask for things, they don’t like to depend because again remember it makes them very uncomfortable to be vulnerable in that way. So they control with threats, they control with anger, they control often with rage in the extreme. In subtler versions of it they might simply sort of leave you out of decisions. Malignant narcissists often even sort of sweep you off your feet doing all kinds of things. I worked with somebody who would always show up with concert tickets, her boyfriend would always show up with concert tickets in the last minute but anytime she wanted to do something he was like, “Neh, I don’t want to do it.” So it can be that or it can be just controlling the person.
Dr. Betito:
Right.
Dr. Malkin:
Malignant narcissism which is a combination of psychopathy called remorseless approach to life and to people often involves lies and deceit.
Dr. Betito:
And zero compassion and zero empathy.
Dr. Malkin:
Yeah. Malignant narcissists have been known to do what’s called gas-lighting where they go to elaborate lengths to make the other person feel like they are the ones who are crazy, that they are the ones whose reality is off in some way.
Dr. Betito:
And then over time what ends up happening to the other person is they really do start to wonder if they’re crazy.
Dr. Malkin:
Exactly. It’s insidious, it’s awful. I wrote a piece recently on the Huffington Post called Can Abuse Be Invisible? And it’s really all about this kind of problem where people don’t even realise what’s happening to them. With her it was really out there, but it beat her down. I mean, it erodes your self-esteem.
Dr. Betito:
Exactly. It beats you down, that’s exactly the words that I hear a lot. You just wrote a piece which I want to get to on the other side of our break is Why It’s Hard to Leave Narcissists and it’s actually what prompted me to get in touch with you. So I want to talk about that, why it’s hard for a lot of people. And then another texter brought up the whole issue of echoism, that’s what they scored on.
Dr. Malkin:
Echoism?
Dr. Betito:
Echoism, so I want to talk about that as well. So lots to talk about, I hope we can get through it and if not you’re just going to have to come back, that’s it.
Dr. Malkin:
I’d be delighted.
Dr. Betito:
You’re listening to Passion right here on CJAD 800.
Broadcaster:
You’re listening to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito, the podcast. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
My guest tonight, Rethinking Narcissism, that’s the book. The author Dr. Craig Malkin on the line with us. What an interesting discussion. I think I could talk for hours about this topic. There’s so much to say. We’re just kind of skimming the surface here, but you can go to his website drcraigmalkin.com and you can also take the test, thenarcissismtest.com, you could read the book it’s all there. So much information and surprisingly really so easy to read, it just puts everything in its right place and it just all makes a lot of sense when you read that book. So I just want to…
Dr. Malkin:
One thing I will say because we probably won’t get to it is that a lot of books ask you to do so much, almost bend over backwards to understand and talk to a narcissistic partner and in Rethinking Narcissism I only ask you to test things out. As long as you’re not seeing those signs of danger, in very simple - like two steps and I basically say give it three weeks and if this just doesn’t work without professional help, move on. So I make it easy on you too.
Dr. Betito:
Right, which is good.
Dr. Malkin:
So you wanted to talk about echoism?
Dr. Betito:
Well, first I want to get Hannah who’s on the line so I want to hear what Hannah has to say. Hi Hannah, welcome to the show.
Hannah:
Hi, thank you for taking my call.
Dr. Betito:
Pleasure.
Hannah:
I wanted to say that you really struck a cord when you said malignant narcissism, about turning the tables and actually making you think that you’re the crazy one. They have some kind of ability to key in on your soft spots and make you think that you’re – even when they can tell you the sky is blue when it’s full of clouds and it’s white and they’ll convince you that it’s blue. It’s just they have some type of ability to be able to make you think that you’re the crazy one.
Dr. Betito:
Is that why Dr. Craig that it’s so hard to leave?
Dr. Malkin:
Oh yeah. I mean, once you start doubting yourself at that level, once you start doubting your own perceptions, it’s very easy to get mired in a bad relationship and malignant…
Hannah:
It’s as if they have control over what you think of yourself and how you view the world. What the world is and what you’re looking at is not the same because what they’re telling you what you’re looking at and how you’re reacting to things is how they want you to react and it’s very confusing. I left a narcissist as well after 25, 27 years and I’m looking back and I’m saying I’m a smart woman, I’m an intelligent woman, how did I get caught up in that? It’s like you’re blind, it’s like you’re in a trance.
Dr. Betito:
Good point. I think that that resonates with a lot of people. You can be a smart woman, you can be a strong woman but yet how do you get stuck in that kind of situation? Good question.
Dr. Malkin:
All walks of life, it doesn’t matter the background, absolutely. One reason people get stuck as well is there’s plenty of evidence in our research and in other research that the good and the bad often co-exist. That is even extremely narcissistic people their empathy fluctuates. Contrary to what we used to think even in the old diagnosis that there was a lack of empathy, it’s impaired.
Hannah:
Yes.
Dr. Malkin:
Either a lack of motivation to be empathic at the time but where say they need to be at work they can do it or if they’re in love in the beginning they can do it or they’re blocked by their own preoccupation, by their own needs. So that makes it very confusing because you see these genuine moments of caring and connection and that’s what you want to hold on to, but the problem is the good and the bad co-exist so part of being able to get out of a bad relationship is like it’s a package deal.
Dr. Betito:
Right, Jekyll and Hyde.
Hannah:
Yes, like a light switch. They can turn the empathy on and off but really the on empathy is all a facade. They make you think they’re empathetic but they have no connection to another human being. It’s creepy.
Dr. Malkin:
In the extreme when somebody is extremely psychopathic that’s definitely the case. It gets even more confusing when people can feel that the empathy is actually there and then it’s not. Like who is this person? Because that can happen…
Dr. Betito:
Right. There’s a tendency also for a lot of people to really see the good and only the good in others and I think a lot of people who get stuck with narcissists are those kinds of people. They have huge hearts and they don’t expect the bad. They just want to see and focus on the good and so there’s a lot of ignoring of all those red flags. Thanks so much for calling in Hannah, very much appreciate it.
Hannah:
Thank you.
Dr. Malkin:
Thank you.
Dr. Betito:
All right. We’ll take a short break and come back with Dr. Craig Malkin with some last words and like I said just the tip of the iceberg tonight so we’ll continue this hopefully at another time. Rethinking Narcissism is the book, Dr. Craig Malkin is the author. The website drcraigmalkin.com or go to thenarcissismtest.com and test yourself. You’re listening to Passion on CJAD 800.
Broadcaster:
You’re listening to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito, the podcast. Hear the show live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD 800.
Dr. Betito:
I only wish we had more time with Dr. Craig Malkin, the author of Rethinking Narcissism. A bunch of text messages. One said, “One can only truly understand what Rachel and Hannah have expressed if one has experienced such a relationship.” I guess it is difficult to truly understand. Someone else wrote, “People with narcissists tend to have huge hearts and tend to live in fantasy. I believe the living in a fantasy reality reinforces and enables the narcissists as well.” And then Dave, I think this is his attempt at a joke says, “I’d do the test but I have better things to do.” That was kind of cute.
Dr. Malkin:
Better than the test.
Dr. Betito:
And then another texter who did the test said he scored echoism high, healthy narcissism average, extreme narcissism low. So in one minute or less, can you describe echoism?
Dr. Malkin:
Where narcissists are addicted to feeling special, echoists are afraid of special attention. They’re uncomfortable with compliments, they’re more likely to agree with statements like I’m not sure what I want or need. Their approach is really if I don’t take up too much room maybe you’ll stick around, especially on the extreme end. On the milder version these are the people with the big heart, they’re the caretakers, they set their needs aside for other people. And they’re not to be blamed for the fact that narcissists are drawn to that and often exploited, especially extreme narcissists, they have big hearts. They just have to be careful who they open them up to.
Dr. Betito:
That’s right. Makes a lot of sense. Dr. Craig Malkin, I can’t thank you enough for taking the time to be with us. I hope you will come back so that we can talk about change and how narcissists can change and if they can’t change how the hell do you avoid them altogether. So there’s so much more to talk about but we have run out of time sadly. Thank you so much.
Dr. Malkin:
My pleasure. Thank you for having me on.
Dr. Betito:
All right, great. If you want to share this with your friends the podcast will be up. Just go to cjad.com and find the Passion page and just look up Rethinking Narcissism and it will be right there and your friends can listen to it. Thanks to all our listeners, to everyone one who called in, texted in. Thanks to Dave Simon in master control. You can reach me [email protected] by email, you can go to my website drlaurie.com, you can also find me on Twitter at Dr. Laurie Betito, same with Instagram and you can like my Facebook page Dr. Laurie Betito. Next up on CJAD news followed by Joey Elias and The Comedy Show.
Have a wonderful rest of the night and please remember life is short so do take the time to smell the flowers and indulge your passions.
Broadcaster:
Listen to Passion with Dr. Laurie Betito live weeknights 10:00 to 11:00 on CJAD and cjad.com
[ Click Here to listen to more of Dr. Malkin's interviews ]
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
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Not All Narcissists Are Equal
Thursday, August 13, 2015
You saw it here first, extroverted and introverted narcissism, and a recent article inside NYMag.com highlights not just my thoughts on the matter, but what the research is telling us... "It's just a mess with all these different terms. At the common core, these are people who are addicted to feeling special. It's just that there are a lot of ways to do it."In my book Rethinking Narcissism I explain the differences in narcissists; let's take a look at them here.
Extroverted Narcissists
This is a rather well known type of narcissism. Extroverts can be pretty loud, quite vain at times and therefore fairly easy to pick out of a crowd. Extroverted narcissists tend to display their money and material possessions and want to be the center of attention.
Introverted Narcissists
These people tend to be a little more difficult to spot, because they don't display the kind of behaviour we'd call typically narcissistic. They might fear criticism, get in a panic over attention and feel like they're different from others, making the narcissism more internalized. But inside, they're still convinced they're better than you.
Communal Narcissists
Only recently identified by researchers, communal narcissists consider themselves to be more nurturing, understanding, and empathic than everyone else on the planet. They tend to want to be praised for charitable donations or how helpful they've been.While the explanations on this post are brief, we can clearly see that not all narcissists are the same!If you'd like a more in-depth look at the different types of narcissism, check out my book, or if you suspect any of these descriptions sound like you, or someone you know, check out The Narcissism Test.
"They all share one overriding motivation: they cling to feeling special" #RethinkingNarcissism - @drcraigmalkin
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Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
Tuesday, July 21, 2015
Not Your Average Mom recently wrote a popular post urging parents to tell her when her kids are “assholes”—especially when they’re bullies.And I couldn’t agree more. But I’m not sure most of us have trouble doing that.We’re pretty quick to jump on egregious behavior in our own or other’s kids—violence, disrespect, and destructiveness—as we should be. If one of my girls hurled a rock at another child’s head, I’d hear about it right away. I’m dead certain of that.But there’s something else I want to hear from other parents, too. And I’m not quite as sure I will.Tell me when my kids are being kind.
Tweet: #Parents Tell me when my kids are being kind. - via @DrCraigMalkinThe moments when they offer a hug to child who's sad, or reach out to a friend who seems lonely, or spontaneously apologize for being assholes (whether they use that word or not).What we as parents often fail to do is notice when children are affectionate, selfless, warm, giving, collaborative, respectful--and draw our full attention to it.I want to feel confident—I want to be certain, in fact— that I can count on other parents to let me know when my kids do something wonderfully touching. Don’t you?Because that’s what helps them grow up to be kind, considerate adults: people noticing when they try, in big or small ways, to do it as kids.
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Last week, I was interviewed by The Telegraph about Rachel Dolezal. I’ll repeat here what I said then: No one creates a false self, narcissistic or otherwise, if they feel securely loved.
No one creates a false self, narcissistic or otherwise, if they feel securely loved. Fact. Please see the important...
Posted by Dr. Craig Malkin on Thursday, 18 June 2015
All the pieces fit together neatly now. I've found the parents' response appalling all along.
And as you can see, I’m not alone.They seem to take delight in tearing their own daughter down.So we can add another potential motivation here, more direct, that seems to have shaped Rachel Dolezal’s choices: If I deny my whiteness I deny the worst in myself--and can repress the horror of my abuse with a new self, one that champions blacks, protects instead of harms them, and lives her life in complete opposition to the warped values of her parents.Dolezal's lies are inexcusable. But it seems likely, at this point, that they’re rooted in trauma.And that’s the saddest part of the story for me.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Can Abuse be Invisible?
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Recently, I was interviewed by Elle magazine for a piece on emotional abuse—an important and all too often neglected topic. One reason it’s so often overlooked is that there are no laws against name calling, putdowns, and mind games, though there should be. Broken legs mend far more easily than broken selves. But the fact that legislation ignores the danger of emotional abuse seems to mirror the way our society, in general, appears to look the other way.One question that emerged during my interview was “is it possible to not realize you’re being emotionally abused?”
And the answer, terrifyingly, is yes.
One of the most dangerous and insidious forms of emotional abuse is something called gaslighting, a term inspired by the stage play, Gas Light, in which a husband manipulates his wife into thinking she’s crazy by moving things around and literally dimming the gas lights, then telling her she’s seeing things or "mistaken" when she notices the change.
21 Warning Signs of an Emotionally Abusive #Relationship Just did an interview on this topic--it's finally getting more attention!
Posted by Dr. Craig Malkin on Tuesday, 2 June 2015
Why would anyone do such a thing?
Gaslighting is shockingly common with extremely psychopathic narcissists, who thrive on controlling others and feeling powerful, but sometimes, sadly, gaslighting is simply a re-enactment—a horrible echo—of the perpetrator’s own abuse.Posttraumatic Stress Disorder does terrible things to adults who never process their traumas; they often grow up to become abusers to ward off, consciously or unconsciously, terrifying fears of becoming victims again.Years ago, I worked with a man, Jay, 42, who didn’t even recognize that moving objects around and lying about having done so was sadistic and not simply a "prank." The habit went back to his childhood. “My mother pulled stuff on me all the time," he said matter of factly.Once, when Jay was 8, after days of lying about having moved a book my client loved, his mother, unrepentant, finally admitted, "of course it was where you left it dear! I was just having fun."He grew up to become a man who often played the same "pranks" on his partners--except, unlike his mother, he rarely confessed.One day he told to me, "At least no one can ever pull the wool over my eyes--ever again."As if by controlling the reality of someone else, he never had to worry that someone might control his, the way his mother had with him.Thankfully we seem to be waking up to the problem of emotional abuse. Just days after my Elle interview, I was asked to review sample chapters from an excellent book by an expert on emotional abuse, Carol Lambert MSW, who’s run recovery groups for nearly 25 years.I’m glad to see more of an effort to understand the dangers of a form of abuse that even the court system remains oblivious to.All abuse has a legacy. If we want to end emotional abuse, we can start by educating people about what it is and how it works.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
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#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
Thursday, June 11, 2015
Is social media use good or bad for us?Research is mixed when it comes to answering that question, with some studies claiming that social networking can expand and enhance our relationships and others coming to more troubling conclusions.More recent studies suggest that we tend to doctor up our images and add flourish to our stories in social networking sites, presumably to boost our self-esteem— an approach that clearly fails miserably. You’ve no doubt read the stream of articles about how Facebook, in particular, ruins our self-esteem and may even cause depression.The question becomes: can social media, or #SoMe—an especially apt hashtag for a world which abounds in self-aggrandizing sound-bites and lurid selfies—ever be good for us?That question, which sent me deep into the scientific journals for a year, generated an entire chapter in Rethinking Narcissism—and the answer I returned with was a resounding yes, but…
We have to follow a couple of crucial rules:
(1) We have to emphasize the social in social media. Endless comparisons to those around us make us miserable. They're no more social than gazing longingly (or enviously) at your neighbors' life through their dining room window.(2) We have to move away from the relentless navel-gazing that’s become rampant in #SoMe (which isn’t especially social either) and focus on helping each other.And we appear to be moving in the right direction.I’m pleased to see that recent conversations and scientific research have confirmed what I concluded while writing Rethinking Narcissism. We’re finally beginning to grasp just how powerful and healthy truly social media can be. As the American Psychological Association, itself, recently tweeted, there is, in fact, a wrong way to use social networking sites.
And, as my colleague from Psychology Today, Alice Boyes, PhD pointed out, there's clearly a right way, too.
Share, don't compare.
That's the difference between #SoMe and #SoWe.#SoWe means reaching out to, and connecting with others, sharing our ups and downs in ways that invite people into our lives, encouraging them to truly know us—not just watch us from afar.If you post a selfie, make sure it engages people in a way that makes them laugh or understand your experience more deeply. If you tweet a thought, make sure it encourages people to grow, evolve, and discover more about the world—and themselves—instead of just venting your spleen. Or take a page from the #whyistayed community, which helped abuse survivors from all over the world emerge from silence and shame and find their voices again.
Let's change the rules.
Here’s what I propose: Whenever you share in social media in ways that connect, help, empower, or improve the lives and happiness of yourself and those around you, add the hashtag #SoWe.Let’s make social media a place where people feel happy and connected. Let’s make it a true online community. One that has the power to help and enrich people all over the world.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
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Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
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Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
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One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Friday, May 01, 2015
Recently, my colleagues, Shannon Kolakowski, PsyD, Heidi Reeder, PhD, and Ben Michaelis, PhD, and I were interviewed for Forbes, in an article called Recovering Resilience: 7 Methods For Becoming Mentally Stronger. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart, but it’s also one that’s happily become central to discussions of mental health and wellbeing.For too long, psychologists—and most mental health professionals— have focused on what’s wrong, paying little attention to what’s right and what works. When clients arrive at my sessions in a great mood, they often look a bit hesitant to start, and then say something like, “It’s been a pretty uneventful week—I’m not sure what to talk about today.” Translation: nothing feels wrong today.So my next question is always this: “What’s been going well? We can learn as much from that as we can from talking about what’s been troubling you.” It’s a response that comes as a surprise to many, but they usually light up and have plenty to say.We have to reinforce and celebrate moments of change. It’s by paying closer attention to our triumphs, as well as our trials, that we often learn how to move forward with greater happiness and resilience. Pausing to reflect on our success often reminds us of the special gifts we bring to the world and people around us. And research suggests that we all feel better when we set aside some time for that.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
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Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
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#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
Friday, January 07, 2011
from my article on Psychology Today's Blog (Read the original Psychology Today article here)The fMRI has come in handy for researchers wanting to know more about what happens when we're falling in love. In the past, psychologists had to rely entirely on self-report when trying to understand what people feel from one moment to the next. Now we can take a picture.The advent of fMRI technology makes it easier than ever to see what happens to the brain in love. It's also inspired a whole slew of studies in which volunteers are hooked up to devices designed to shock, scare, or burn them. While this merely resurrects the image many of us psychologists had hoped to put to rest once and for all—that of the mad scientist gleefully marching people across dangerous bridges, ordering them to administer shocks, or hooking them up with as many intrusive and uncomfortable electrodes and probes as good grant money can buy—the latest of these studies could tell us a lot about why it's so easy to ignore the little hurts and slights our partners dole out when we're busy fawning over them.Arthur Aron, PhD, at the State University of New York at Stony Brook, and Sean Mackey, PhD, at Stanford University, recently recruited fifteen newly smitten undergraduates willing to be subjected to various levels of discomfort—in this case, by heating their palms to "an uncomfortable temperature." Nice. The purpose of the study: to find out if merely looking at a photo of their loved one would have any effect on the subjects' experience of pain. The undergrads reported no change in their level of pain while staring at the photo of an acquaintance, but when they had a chance to ogle their loved one's image, something amazing happened: they felt less pain. A closer look at the fMRI images revealed a kind of neurological anesthetic at work. As soon as the love-struck subjects glimpsed their loved one, the reward center of their brains started to light up.This study arrives against the backdrop of other, similar ones in which volunteers in committed, loving relationships were administered "mild shocks," either while holding their partner's hand or toughing it out on their own. When they had a chance to hold their partner's hand, amazingly, the subjects reported less pain than when they didn't have the comfort of a loved one. Their fMRI image revealed that when the volunteers held hands with their loved ones during the shock, the pain centers of the brain were relatively quiet; in contrast, when they had to go it alone, their pain centers lit up like a Christmas tree. (Holding a stranger's hand reduced the intensity of the pain, too, but less so than holding a partner's).For over a hundred years, beginning with Freud, researchers and theorists have explored the phenomenon of "idealization," in which we view our loved ones through such rose colored glasses it seems they can do no wrong. Blinded by the glow of romantic love (or the love of one's children), we tend to miss the faults, the disappointments, the slights—minor and sometimes even major—in the people we love the most. Now it appears there may be a powerful neurological component to love-blindness; and if the pain we feel, not just at the hands of a wild-eyed experimenter wielding electrodes, but at the hands of a loved one, remains subject to the same analgesic influence seen in these studies, maybe love isn't just blind; maybe it's also numb.<Perhaps this is why when I'm trying to help people tune into what's wrong with an exciting new relationship, I run up against a peculiar sort of amnesia: the bitter dissapointment about being "blown off" by a love interest may simply vanish from one session to the next, replaced, puzzlingly, by a loving paean—an adoring catalogue of of their date's many gifts and accomplishments. When asked about the pain and anger of the previous week, these clients often pause, dumbfounded, and say something like. "What do you mean?" If pressed for an answer, they might even offer an admission of sorts: "I guess I'm not as upset anymore."Mind you, there's still hope for the love-numb out there. A strong network of friends, who may vividly remember your date's hurtful or disappointing behaviors even when you can't, can sometimes cut through the cloud of dopamine (linked to the reward center) and oxytocin (the "cuddle hormone," linked to feelings of relaxation and trust) casting a giddy haze over your nervous system. Your best friends may not always be able to tell you how to address the hurts or disappointments, but they can at least remind you that they're real. Journaling also seems to be quite effective. Somehow, it's a lot harder to engage in idol-worship when your staring at your own stark descriptions of pain and confusion. I've even had people write down, on the back of my business card, all the moments of anger and disappointment they seem to forget every time they turn starry eyed. My purpose isn't to become what Yalom calls love's executioner; it's to help people remember both the good and the bad about the person they're with, so they can make an informed choice. There may be a lot of terrific things about your budding relationship, but there may be some problems, too—and you can't change what you can't feel. But you'll at least have a fighting chance if you cut through the romantic anesthesia.Be forewarned, though: if you fall for a psychologist who talks you into " a little study about the effect of love on pain," bring along some friends. The shocks might be more painful than you realize, and at least the witnesses can remind you you're being hurt.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts
HOW DO I PREVENT NARCISSISM IN KIDS?
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
People ask, “Why rethink narcissism?” and sometimes they get a little confused from the title that somehow I’m talking about how great narcissism is - that’s not what this book is about at all. In fact, it draws on many of the most promising and recent research findings that we have in understanding narcissism and includes my own research in helping people understand narcissism in a different way, which gives you a much clearer path through all of this than we’ve ever had before.In this video, I discuss how to prevent narcissism in children.
Buy The Book
To learn more about dangerous narcissism, including specific, research-backed strategies to protect yourself from it, order Rethinking Narcissism today. Advance critical and expert praise for Rethinking Narcissism (more here).
Harperwave and Harper UK, Paperback Version available now! - Order Here
The internationally acclaimed book named Amazon's Book of the Month, Daily Mail's Book of the Week, featured on The Oprah Winfrey Network, in the New York Times, the cover story in Psychology Today, and selected as The Millions "most anticipated book of the year".
After teaching at local universities, Dr. Malkin became a Chief Psychologist at Harvard Medical School’s Cambridge Hospital, in Cambridge Massachusetts, where he instructed interns, residents, and fellows in the theory and practice of psychotherapy. In 2003, he left this position to expand his private practice and continued to supervise and teach for Harvard Medical School’s training program. Read More...
A Cambridge Psychologist winner of the 2015 Patients' Choice Awards.
Verified by Opencare.com
RECENT POSTS
This is the Way to Protect Your Kids from Pathological Narcissism
The Link Between Narcissism And Drug Addiction
The Spectrum: From Echoism to Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Join Me For 'Real Narcissists' - The Rethinking Narcissism Paperback Online Launch Event!
Narcissism Example Couples Therapy
7 Hours Of CEC Credit For Rethinking Narcissism
Does Narcissism Appear In Neuroimaging?
What's The Basic Definition Of Narcissism?
Proof, Once and for All, That Narcissists Are Deeply Insecure
Why do We Keep Falling For Narcissists?
Rethinking Narcissism is on Sale through 11/30!
The Biggest Online Narcissism Event Of The Year 2015!
Does Over Praise Really Cause Narcissism In Children?
The Difference Between Echoism And Healthy Introversion
Realizing My Mother Was A Narcissist
Oprah's 12 Most Frequently Asked Questions on Narcissism
A Guide For Voters In The Elections
Relationships, Passion, Sex and Narcissism...
Please Tell Me If You See My Kids Doing This
The Real Problem with Rachel Dolezal
#SoWe: How To Use Social Media to Improve Our Lives
One Simple Question that Can Help You Feel Better
Love is Blind...and Numb? Why You Can't Always Feel When Love Hurts